The Pain of Pride

Another repost, from March 2010:

Okay, so if you are alive in any sense of the word, then you have had a bad day. If you have had a bad day, then you know what it feels like to be beaten down, to feel the wounding of pride. During the Life Group last night, we briefly touched on the "thorn in [Paul's] flesh" (2 Cor.). Now this morning I have been dwelling on the scriptures from last night and I think there is a lot to be said about thorns.

I have, many times in my life, talked about the good things I have done such as how often I have read the Bible, how many times I have read scripture, etc. But I don't often admit when I fail. I fail everyday at some point and have to pray for forgiveness. Some days, I don't even know where to start when it comes to forgiveness because I have messed up so many times.

I have occasionally confessed to those I knew would help hold me accountable, but sometimes it feels like you are spilling so much bad that you are constantly bringing them down. For that reason, I don't do it on a regular basis. I have not sat down with anyone and said, "Listen, will you meet with me regularly and be my accountability partner?". I need to though.

I am in a constant struggle to let God strip away my pride. I want Him to speak to me anytime, anywhere and I will KNOW it's HIM speaking, just like someone else mentioned last night. I had the desire in me, but had never phrased it out loud. I want to learn to accept His teachings, both fun and painful, with joy and gladness. I want to learn to take joy in my weakness like the apostle Paul.

And even with all the mess ups, He is still fiercely protective and loving to me. He still yearns for my everything. He is jealous FOR me. That's a pretty cool thing to know, even if it is hard to understand. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that my husband wants and loves me in spite of my flaws.

How much MORE does GOD love me?

I have always been told that as much as you love your children, God loves so much more than we can imagine. Well, a different thought occurred to me last night. God is jealous for me. I am jealous for my husband. I wouldn't want anyone or anything to come between me and my husband (save God, who SHOULD be the center of marriage). How much MORE does God desire that with me? If we are the bride of Christ and He outlined how a husband should love his wife, didn't He also show how He loves us? And in the same way, He showed us how we are to love and honor Him, the way a wife should honor, love, and obey her husband.

This was a powerful example for me.